What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:07
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Iure eveniet quod quae esse explicabo autem corrupti.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What is the one thing you don't understand that others do?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My family never makes their pension either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning for one minute?
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!